I keep looking at this past week and it feels like much longer than a week. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. This time however instead of doing a day by day kinda diary entry, I'm going to give you a quick overview and talk about some specific happenings of this week.
So this week we started blocking "Montana Jones and the Gymnasium of Doom." These kids are incredible, and it is such a joy to work with them. I also taught my class tuesday and took MY FIRST MARTIAL ARTS CLASS! Wednesday was an emotional day personally. Thursday was a day of debating followed by some quality time with a wonderful friend. Friday was a day of packing and debating and thinking and praying. Saturday was the longest day of auditioning at SETC in Greensboro. And Sunday was a day of travel home, naps, contemplation, and knife fighting. Now onto the juicy bits.
This past week was hard. I found out that there were more opportunities that I had been working for that weren't working out. There were many moments it was difficult to stay supportive of my friends. I felt like a failure. I couldn't get over the fact that my friends were landing dream roles, getting their SAG or Equity cards, or landing dream internships; and that I was teaching and directing at the theatre I grew up in. I was two seconds from applying and taking an internship that had no appeal to me simply because I had no other options. I started wondering how I was going to afford to go to the fight workshops I wanted to this summer as well as how I was going to afford a move to NYC this fall. I started being scared that I couldn't succeed. I literally hit a point where I was crying on the floor in my room praying to God for some answers. I hit a point where I finally thought "maybe I am not as good at this as I think I am." But then after talking to some friends, that thought process changed. Of course I am not that good. I am not perfect. I am not the most talented person out there. BUT. I could be. I am not there yet, but I could get there. It's a process. And God was taking a moment to humble me. He was closing doors, so I would realize that it's hard work that will get me places, not luck and talent. And twenty minutes after I laid it all before God, I had an email from a theatre company asking me my availability for fall.
I was still terrified though. I was terrified of going to SETC for auditions. But instead of letting fate and talent decide my future I took an initiative in my future and researched and emailed companies I was interested in working for. Instead of wearing my cookie-cutter dress and heels, I showed up in my confident outfit of all black shirt and pants with a sparkly belt to break things up. Instead of doing my musical theatre packet I did my "Monty" packet. I was going to showcase to those companies me. Not just my skills, but me. I wasn't sure how it would go. I was honestly thinking the worst. I was pleasantly surprised when I went a read the callback listings. I won't say how many I had, because bragging is selfish and gets you nowhere; but lets just say I kept busy till 12 o'clock at night and my day started at 7 am. What felt the greatest, was that people had a more positive reaction to me as a performer. I had many people comment on my name change, and a few ask me how I had the confidence as a girl to wear pants to my audition. It's amazing what happens when you leave it all in front of God and ask for guidance and assistance.
Now many of you know that I am going to move to NYC this fall if I didn't get into one of the grad schools I applied to. (Still waiting on two). And many of you also know I planned on doing combat work this summer, whether as an intern, a student, or as an "actor combatant" (I hesitate calling myself that because I am not certified in any weapons at this time.) Those plans were part of the reason I took up martial arts, as to give my fighting a more natural feel. (Btw I am taking a style called Moo Duk Kwan that is from Korea and is similar to a mix of Karate and Tae Kwan Do. More on that at a later date.) I had a plan. A very solid plan. FIght then NYC or Grad school. But an unexpected thing happened. I got a callback for an apprenticeship. One with a theatre I have been inspired by for awhile. One in Atlanta. One that was completely not on my radar of possibilities. And now I'm stuck. Granted no one has offered me a job or anything yet, but how do I progress. My mind is full of confusion and conflict. If you would like to give some advice or hear my qualms of the moment and help me figure it out, feel free to email me or call me if you have my number.
So who knows, this time next week I could be telling you I'm staying in NC, I'm going to San Diego, I'm going to NYC or I'm going to Atlanta. God works in strange and mysterious ways....
Until next time. <3
Song of the week: